Thursday, March 24, 2011

Cheaters Rejoice – Your Day is Near

The recent mast up the posterior for some of the contestcenti over on CQ-Contest is cheating in contests. Or more specifically, how to prevent and detect suspected cheating in contests. To date, the Russian DX Contest is setting new standards in either cheating prevention and detection or paranoia, depending on one’s viewpoint. To date, only the CQWW Contest Committee (CCC -hmmm, seems to be an old acronym) has had the cojones to start disqualifying serious competitors and naming names, or calls at least. If you are an avid reader of CQ-Contest (which should probably qualify for some sort of entry in the DSM), then you might suspect there’s a cheating contester under every other bed. I think the last time we heard such prognostications it came from a fellow going by the name of McCarthy, and he didn’t have an EI call.

Of course every contestcenti worth his monobanders proclaims their innocence. Everyone they know operates above board and clean as a whistle. It seems everyone knows who the cheaters are, but no one actually admits to knowing one.

Well, the day is fast approaching when contest cheaters can throw caution to the wind and fully and openly participate in a contest that not only celebrates but encourages cheating in the most extreme manner. I speak of the Poisson d’Avril Contest, held annually on April 1 since 1896. Yes, this contest pre-dates radio itself.

By its very nature and lack of meaningful rules or organization, the Poisson d’Avril Contest demands stretching the limits of propriety and common sense and, perhaps, the laws of several states. In the spirit of the contest, for 2011, contest logs are due within 48 hours BEFORE the contest begins. Work quickly, as time is shorter than you think!

The prima donna, kingpin, and perennial winner of the Poisson d’Avril Contest, K1DG, is claiming to relinquish his top spot this year. However, it will cost you to replace him. Literally.

The winner of the 2011 Poisson d’Avril Contest will have to buy the win. Not with sweat, hardware, BIC time, and good propagation, but with cold hard cash. That’s right – cheaters of the world rejoice! There is no need to waste 24 or 48 hours of battling the bands and other cheaters to eek out a Top Ten finish. You can BUY a FIRST PLACE FINISH from the comfort of your Lazy-Boy. This contest is not about a boy and his radio, but a boy and his wallet. It's not who has the biggest tower, but the deepest checkbook.

Lest you think K1DG has finally revealed his true nature, sadly no. The proceeds from the Poisson d’Avril Contest will go to support WRTC2014, an event we’ll never be invited to, so this is as close as we can get to participating.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Reports of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

This note showed up in the LIDS inbox from Xtreme contester Macho Cuesew.

Hola Amigos! With the recent report in the news about an unidentified dead man found on a 1000 foot tower wearing only a tee-shirt and underwear, I have heard rumors being circulated that it was myself, Macho Cuesew. Have no fear, friends. Macho is alive and doing well!

Anyone who knows Macho would realize that the poor unfortunate dead man could not have been Macho Cuesew. Macho would never have been climbing dressed so improperly. When Macho climbs a tower, he wears his mask, a pair of gloves, and some steel shanked boots. That’s it. Macho truly believes in “free climbing”! There is no greater pleasure than being over 100’ up on a tower and feeling the wind blow through your, how you say, No, Macho Cuesew is much too macho to go out in a fetal position on a tower.

Some have wondered where I have been for so long. I have been consulting with a wealthy client I am not at liberty to name. This client, who is very famous as well as wealthy, has sought out the talents of Macho Cuesew to teach him all about Winning! As the most famous and successful Xtreme Contester, I am uniquely qualified to teach others about Winning! For the record, Macho Cuesew has been drinking Tiger Blood long before anyone else.

I will soon be back to training and competing on the world contesting stage. So, friends, rejoice, I am healthy and happy and will soon return to the air to dominate. To my competitors, resume quaking in your boots as you await my return.

73, Macho Cuesew

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Giving it up for Lent

Today is Ash Wednesday. Adherents of certain trains of philosophical traditions are nursing hangovers and beginning a period of atonement known as Lent. Lent usually involves acts of self-sacrifice to demonstrate the adherents moral superiority or tendencies toward masochism. While Cousin QRM is not a follower of any organization that purposefully restricts his dietary regime or demands public displays of smudginess and self-flagellation, even if figuratively, the occasional exercise of self-restraint is not a bad thing, and, if mother is to be believed, may even build ‘character’. I don’t think that’s the same thing as being called a character.

In faux observance of Lent, Cousin QRM is giving up the following for as long as he can stand it (give it a week):

- Reading CQ-Contest and trying to follow the arguments on the debate topic de jour. Especially those of a certain Irishman that are absolute. Except when he feels an exception should be made.

- Performing my duties as a DX Frequency Cop. Yes, all bedlam may result if I don’t helpfully direct the clueless that the DX station is listening ‘UP’, but for the next month or so, they’ll have to figure it out on their own.

- Posting yet another complaint about the lack of sunspots and paucity of DX on the bands despite the fact that recent events contradict this.

- Cick and pounce DXing and contesting. I will just that big round thing in the middle of my radio’s face to find stations on the air. My carpal tunnel isn’t so bad that my wrist can’t twist a little from side to side.

- Ever using the term ‘desitinated’ anytime. Anywhere. Period.

I know it looks like a set of tough goals, but one of the LIDS gave me some funny beads on a string that he said would help me get through it. Last time I had beads on a string, they were candy. I don’t think I can eat these.