Reports of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

This note showed up in the LIDS inbox from Xtreme contester Macho Cuesew.

Hola Amigos! With the recent report in the news about an unidentified dead man found on a 1000 foot tower wearing only a tee-shirt and underwear, I have heard rumors being circulated that it was myself, Macho Cuesew. Have no fear, friends. Macho is alive and doing well!

Anyone who knows Macho would realize that the poor unfortunate dead man could not have been Macho Cuesew. Macho would never have been climbing dressed so improperly. When Macho climbs a tower, he wears his mask, a pair of gloves, and some steel shanked boots. That’s it. Macho truly believes in “free climbing”! There is no greater pleasure than being over 100’ up on a tower and feeling the wind blow through your, how you say,....hair? No, Macho Cuesew is much too macho to go out in a fetal position on a tower.

Some have wondered where I have been for so long. I have been consulting with a wealthy client I am not at liberty to name. This client, who is very famous as well as wealthy, has sought out the talents of Macho Cuesew to teach him all about Winning! As the most famous and successful Xtreme Contester, I am uniquely qualified to teach others about Winning! For the record, Macho Cuesew has been drinking Tiger Blood long before anyone else.

I will soon be back to training and competing on the world contesting stage. So, friends, rejoice, I am healthy and happy and will soon return to the air to dominate. To my competitors, resume quaking in your boots as you await my return.

73, Macho Cuesew

Fi-Ni Report's End of Year Top Ten List

End of the year means it's time to look back and look forward. My crystal ball is a little murky, but here is Cousin QRM's Top Ten Contest and DX Events for 2009. This is a very scientific culmination of what popped into my head. Agree? Disagree? Enjoy.

1. Sunspots

Or rather the lack of them. The predictions by the 'experts' throughout that year that cycle 24 would start "any time now" had the hollow ring of the politician's cry that the economic recovery was "imminent". Finally, we did see some sun spots toward the end of the year. But so far Cycle 24 has been about as robust as the economic recovery.

2. CQWW Contest Committee Gets Some Cohonies

After years of not-so-quietly-whispered rumors about rampant cheating by some competitors, the contesting world was SHOCKED to see several disqualifications handed down by the CQWW Contest Committee. On a roll, the contest committee then implemented some rule changes, among them the requirement for competitors to allow on-site visits to stations during the contest. No more looking at your neighbor's paper for the answers. Now if the ARRL would follow suit.

3. New contest clubs

2009 saw it's usual bemoaning of the death of amateur radio. But the sport of radio contesting continues to attract more and more participants, except from the world of nets. The most encouraging sign of the growth in contesting is the establishment of at least two new regional contest clubs. The Arizona Outlaws and the Louisiana Contest Club opened up shop this year, bringing new blood and camaraderie to the contesting scene. Growth is a sign of health.

4. DXpeditions

It seems no matter where we are in the sunspot cycle, there are always intrepid adventurers ready to go to some rock in an ocean and provide The Deserving with a new one, or two. For 2009 we tip our hat to the folks who brought us K5D, K4M, TX3A, and VK9GMW. They brought us top drawer entertainment, not to mention a couple of new counters.

5. 7O1YGF Accreditation

This one belongs among the Eternal Enigmas of DXing. We had long ago tossed this card in with our Romeo collection for the DXDCCC award. Suddenly, eight years after the fact, this one counts. Like manna from Newington, the news had many of us jumping for joy. Given recent world developments, this may likely be the last operation from 7O for some time, unless you count occupation forces.

6. Xtreme Contesting

The CQWW Contesting Committee makes our year end list again. Showing foresight and courage, they created a new just-about-anything-goes category to encourage advancement of the technology that is going to take radiosporting into the 21st century. While we've yet to see what will be made of this new opportunity, we applaud the effort to make it available. Ultimately, Machco Cueso and Leche Dinero will be recognized as the champions they are.

7. Blogs

This entry might seem a bit self-serving, but as the year came to an end, Cousin QRM had an epiphany. I get more of my day-to-day amateur radio news, information and entertainment from blogs than anywhere else. KA3DRR, K3NG, and G4ILO are must-reads on a regular basis, for their blog rolls if nothing else. Radio-sport.net is THE source for actual contesting news. Sad to say that the traditional dead-tree news sources have shrunk in importance. They are still enjoyable for the articles, but there is little 'news' in them by the time they arrive on the doorstep. This is true throughout the publishing industry, but our small niche is perhaps more vulnerable than the mass-market magazines. Hopefully, they can still turn a profit and keep publishing.

8. CQ-Contest

Like a pair of favorite worn-out jeans, the CQ-Contest reflector continues to provide comfort and utility. Comfort in knowing that regardless of whatever else may happen in the world, we can count on the annual arguments about cut numbers, Sweepstakes checks, and packet cheating. Somewhere among all the chaff, is an occasional nugget of useful information that (usually) makes all the other worthwhile. Not to mention that it provides inspiration for at least half the entries on this blog.

9. LoTW

The ARRL's Logbook of the World has matured into a useful tool for the DX'er. It still has it's many flaws, but it's still the best show in town. We still miss getting those pieces of cardboard with funny looking stamps on them, but the cost and time savings make LoTW a winner in my book. When first announced, I wondered how LoTW would affect the "business" model of DXpeditons depending on QSL donations for support. It appears that DXpeditoners have adapted to the new realities and it does not appear that LoTW is severely hampering their operations. Now, if we could only get ARRL and CQ and all the other awards to play nice and share with one another.

10. Did I say Ten?

Well, I can only think of nine.

Shack Security for Big Guns

Last weekend, Mach Cuesew went to his Secret RF Lair to continue preparations for dominating the Xtreme Contesting category in the upcoming CQWW CW contest. Upon arriving, Macho noticed things in the shack looked disturbed. He immediately called his fellow Xtreme contester, Leche Dinero to inquire if he had been by the Secret RF Lair. Leche denied coming anywhere near the Secret RF Lair, as he had been busy in the ring practicing his Flying Leap off of the top rope move all week.

Macho said no equipment had been stolen or damaged, but it appears a spate of spurious cluster spots had been made from his computer over the last week. Even more confusing, it appears that some of the spots were actually legitimate, leading credence to either the blind-squirrel theory or the 1000-monkeys-in-a-room-with-a-1000-typewriters theory. Since the Secret RF Lair has only two keyboards, we favor the former theory. Either way, the security of the Secret RF Lair had been breached. Considering that the security consisted of a rusty latch with padlock that closed but didn't lock, this was not a tremendous surprise.

Macho Cuesew decided it was time to implement serious security to protect the shack of the future Xtreme Contesting Champion. Macho called up Dr. DX's Lab of Mad Sciencery for help. The good doctor was not in, but his able assistant Algor was happy to help out. Algor brought over Dr. DX's highest tech electronic lock and installed it on the door leading to the Secret RF Lair. The new lock is voice activated. There is a microphone mounted beside the door that looks a lot like the head of a D-104. To gain access, you step up to the microphone and shout "59-59-59" quickly. However, it's not that simple. The electronics are tuned to recognize only true Big Gun operators (like Macho and Leche) so the access code will really sound more like "FiNiFiNiFiNi". If you've never run a pileup in a big DX contest, you'll never be able to duplicate the sound. After installing the new lock, Algor pointed out that the lock operates off of wind power from the person yelling into the microphone, thus making the new lock very green friendly. This, of course, ignores the carbon dioxide exhaled and halitosis of the speaker.

With the Secret RF Lair newly secured, Macho Cuesew is continuing preparations for his first official championship in Xtreme Contesting. Dr. DX's FiNi Lock will be available to other Big Guns after the first of the year. In addition to securing a Big Gun shack from vandals and thieves, the FiNi Lock is also useful from keeping pesky CQWW Inspectors out during contests.

Crossing the Streams, uh, Threads

In the wake of the CQWW phone weekend, the contest reflector is awash in the usual post-game chatter. There are however, two particular threads that are worrisome.

The first is a discussion thread about the, umm, extremes some ops go to in order to maintain a full 48-hours of butt-in-chair (BIC) time. Nature calls us all, but we don't all get up to answer, apparently.

The other is a discussion thread about self-spotting.

My fear is that these threads will inevitably merge.

Xtreme Contester in Training

Investigative journalists for the Fi-Ni Report (stop laughing!) have obtained video of Xtreme contester Macho Cuesew in his secret lair training for the CQWW contests. It is rumored that Macho's lair may be near the North Korean border, thus this video was obtained at great risk. Bill Clinton was standing by, just in case. Informants tell the Fi-Ni Report that Macho spends hours a day working out as shown in the video, getting in tip-top shape for the upcoming contesting season. These secret training techniques used by Big Guns all over have never been captured on video before.

Big Gun Cloning Coming Soon

It's no secret that the average age of the ham radio population is increasing, and particularly so in the elite world of Big Gun contesters. Almost all Big Guns today are members of the Baby Boomer generation. The question is often asked "Where will the next generation of contesters come from?" The answer may be cloning.

A new venture called BigGun Cloning has been launched with the express intent of offering Big Gun contesters and DXers the chance to clone themselves. The capability to generate a genetic duplicate of oneself creates the opportunity to pass on the highly honed skills, not to mention the impressive station, of top notch contest and DX operators to a new generation.

BigGun Cloning said it is focusing on Big Gun contesters and DXers as they are the most likely segment of the ham radio population to have the resources to devote to the endeavor. BigGun Cloning is working with scientists from the South Korean Institute of Cloning Sciences and Advanced Cosmetology to perfect the cloning process. A scientist from the institute explained their breakthrough.

"We have been able to clone sheep, dogs, and cats for over a decade now. But there is no market for cloned sheep, not even in New Zealand. Our breakthrough came when we were able to clone a parrot. The original parrot knew five simple phrases he could say on command. When the cloned parrot was born, we discovered he already knew the five simple phrases. My thoughts instantly went to ham radio contesters. I knew this was a market for this technology."

While the possibility of creating cloned contesters is seen as an exciting step forward in technology by some, others see problems. If a station owner and his clone enter a contest together, could they actually enter in the single operator category since they are genetically identical? The CQWW contest committee refused to rule on any hypothetical situations, but did say that genetic testing may be included in the new station inspection regime if deemed necessary.

BigGun Cloning will be offering group discounts for multi-op stations and contest clubs. No word on price or expected availability at this time.

Contest Ruling

Here's a new topic for the contest lawyers to discuss: if a contest operator has multiple personalities, does he enter as a single-op or a multi-single entity? Discuss among yourselves. Bonus points if you can provide examples.

Another Xtreme Contester Emerges

Following on the heels of last week's report of the first announced Xtreme contester, a second Xtreme contester has emerged and joined forces with the first.

Last week, the Fi-Ni Report profiled self-proclaimed Xtereme contester Macho Cuesew and his prophecy of domination in the new Xtereme category of the CQWW DX contest. This week, Macho Cuesew has announced he has a new Xtereme contesting partner that goes by the name Leche Dinero. Dinero seems to have as much ego as his new partner.

"Together, Macho Cuesew and I, Leche Dinero, will dominate the ranks of Xtreme contesting and come October, we will own the World Xtreme Tag Team belt!" proclaimed Dinero. When informed that no such belt or title existed, Dinero seemed confused. When we suggested that perhaps he and Macho planned to enter the Multi-Two category, Dinero muttered something to the effect of, "Yeah, that's what I meant..."

Whatever this pair plans for the new category of Xtreme contesting in CQWW, we should be entertained.

Xtreme Contesting

With the announcement of the new Xtreme category for the CQWW contests this year, new xtreme contesters are beginning to emerge. The first to go public goes by the name of Macho Cuesew and hides his real identity behind a mask (see accompanying photo). Macho Cuesew says the mask is intended to strike fear into the hearts of his competitors and conceal his identity so the evil forces of contesting can not stop him. Macho's xtreme approach to contesting is evident in his training regime.

"I start every day by eating three raw eggs, followed by a six mile run. Then it's two hours on RUFZ to hone my cw skills. Then in the afternoon, I climb each of my 100 foot towers and check the coax and antennas to insure they are in top condition. In the evenings, I listen to 160m with the AGC turned off to acclimate myself to high static levels and improve my ability to pull signals out of the noise. I also do pilates to strengthen my butt muscles so I can sit for long periods of time comfortably"

Macho has also claimed to have built an xtreme superstation in an undisclosed location in preparation for this year's CQWW. Macho worries that other xtreme competitors will steal his superstation secrets before October, so he refuses to identify his callsign or even his country of origin. We think it safe to say, it is likely somewhere south of the US border, though. During our interview, Macho did let it slip that he was busy working on a massive log-periodic array that will not technically fit inside the conventional 500-meter circle limiting conventional stations. Thanks to the new Xtreme category, that is no longer a problem.

Macho Cuesew is also not shy when it comes to challenging his competitors or boasting about himself. When asked for his thoughts on this year's contest, he said, "I, Macho Cuesew, will obliterate my puny opponents. When the bell rings at 0000Z, all will quake at the at the enormity of my signal. Lesser stations may have their radios explode when they tune across Macho Cuesew's signal. I will dominate on any band I choose to run on. I do not need the crutch of a second radio to find multipliers. They will all come to me, drawn by my enormous signal."

The likes of Macho Cuesew have likely existed within the contesting world for a long time. But now there is a category for them to compete in, they can come out of hiding and compete in the open, unleashing their form of xtreme contesting on the bands. If successful, they may represent the future of contesting, becoming even Bigger Guns.

(Update available)